We need to think things through. With Complex Ptsd when anything changes within the context of a relationship we can and do easily take things personally because it touches on the unresolved trauma inside of us. The unresolved trauma is our responsibility to work with and learn how to recover from it.
It's vital we remember we are all human, even when dealing with mental health professionals. In our humanity we are all going to make mistakes, we are all going to have bad days, and we are all going to stuff up royally. Gosh, I did last week simply through not reading my schedule properly, and then not remembering it properly.
I didn't set out intentionally to hurt anyone, not ever. But my stuff up meant I did not come across professionally. I could have sat in shame and guilt for my mistake but I chose not too. I apologised and I gave back more than I needed to. I did the best I could to make amends, then I had to put it down and make a note to never do this stuff up again.
When reading messages, we read them through our own abandonment wound, our own I was never loved or cared for wound, our own emotional neglect wound, our own Complex Ptsd wound of multiple layers, and that's okay. What's not okay is expecting others to pick up our pieces and make us whole because only we can do that ourselves. It's hard work and takes courage and we can do it one step at a time.
When we've come from such incredibly toxic, dysfunctional families it's hard to turn our mind around to the reality that there are people who do care for us AND who also have a right to healthy boundaries. Complex Ptsd leaves us with inflexible thinking. We need to work with our inflexible thinking in order that we can return to participating in healthy relationships.
Healthy relationships require flexible thinking, a state achieved through our recovery process. To go into relationships or to have relationships without flexible thinking will mean one of two things are happening. We return to our people pleasing ways, our codependent ways, and the other person takes from us repeatedly or we are so rigid no one can be around us because it's our way or not at all.
In order to feel safe to develop new relationships we need to first get comfortable feeling compassion for others, being curious about others and caring about others and courage in the face of our own fears that these first two emotions bring up within us. It's our internal self we work with to bring about the changes and healing we need. No one else can do it for us.
Emotional maturity comes from being willing to take on responsibility for our whole selves, to take on more responsibility and understand our internal self instead of avoiding it by taking on responsibility for other peoples lives. Emotional maturity is further enhanced as we face what's inside of us that doesn't belong and we choose to do the painful work, the most courageous work, of dealing with deep pain.
Our core path through all of this is the opposite of what we have known all our life. Throughout our life there has been a lack of experiencing giving and receiving love. Complex Trauma begins to heal effectively as we learn to love our choices, our life, those around us etc irrespective of how it compares to our life goals and dreams. Bring authentic love back into your heart for yourself, fill your bucket of love up, and give from there. Our internal system will thank us for bringing love back into ourselves. The love drives out fear and builds courage for the road ahead. Choose love despite our past. Love wins.
