Before We Talk About “Healthy Relationships,” We Need to Ask This First:

Mar 30 / Linda Meredith



💬 Before We Talk About “Healthy Relationships,” We Need to Ask This First:
“Do I actually have the capacity to sit with another adult if both of us are emotionally triggered?”

This is called functional capacity — and it’s the foundation of all emotionally safe connection.

Without it, relationships — even ones with love — often become cycles of disconnection, shutdown, overthinking, and internal confusion. Not because we don’t care. But because our nervous system and attachment history are trying to protect us from pain we haven’t yet processed.

🧠 Trauma and Capacity Aren’t the Same Thing


There’s a lot of relationship advice online — but most of it doesn’t account for intergenerational trauma, developmental trauma, or how different attachment styles show up when we’re emotionally overwhelmed.

Let’s be clear:

Having trauma doesn’t make you broken.

But if we haven’t learned to sit with discomfort, repair after conflict, or regulate through fear — then our relationships can’t grow past a certain point.

⛑️ Functional Capacity in Relationships Looks Like:

  • Being able to say, “I need space” — and also giving a clear timeframe for reconnection
  • Knowing how to come back after conflict and talk about what happened
  • Staying emotionally present, even when things feel intense or confusing T
  • Taking responsibility for our part — without spiralling into shame or blame

🧩 When Capacity is Missing… Cognitive Dissonance Enters the Picture

  • Cognitive dissonance happens when our beliefs, behaviours, or values don’t match up. The brain craves internal consistency, so when this mismatch happens, it creates mental discomfort — like anxiety, confusion, or self-doubt.

💔 Example of Dissonance in a Relationship:
Belief: “They love and respect me.”

Reality: “They lie to me, ignore my feelings, or manipulate situations.”

This inner conflict feels unbearable. So we often try to soothe the discomfort by rationalising:

“They’re just going through a hard time.”

“It’s not that bad — at least they’re not physically hurting me.”

“Maybe I’m too sensitive or expecting too much.”

Over time, this dissonance erodes self-trust, increases anxiety, and can keep us stuck in relationships where we feel unseen, unheard, or unsafe.

🔄 How Attachment Styles Respond to Disconnection + Dissonance:

💔 Anxious Attachment
  • Overfunctions to restore closeness (texts, explains, fixes)
  • Minimises their own pain to keep the other person close
  • Interprets disconnection as “I’ve done something wrong”
  • Often questions: “Am I too much?”
❄️ Avoidant Attachment
  • Shuts down or detaches emotionally
  • Rationalises or minimises their own needs and the other’s pain
  • Avoids emotional vulnerability or conflict
  • Often thinks: “They’re too needy. I just need space.”

⚡ Disorganised Attachment

  • Swings between pulling close and pushing away

  • Fears abandonment and fears being trapped

  • Struggles to regulate without chaos or high intensity

  • Often feels: “I want them close, but I don’t feel safe.”

🌱 Secure Attachment

  • Can stay present during emotional discomfort

  • Recognises the difference between intention and impact

  • Owns their part without collapse or blame

  • Moves toward repair, not away from it

  • Believes: “We’re both allowed to have needs, and we can work through this.”

🧭 Healing Starts With Awareness + Building Capacity


It’s not about being perfect. It’s about asking:

  • Can I stay present when I feel emotionally uncomfortable?
  • Can I hold space for someone else without shutting down or needing to fix them?
  • Can I come back after a rupture — and not just avoid it or pretend it didn’t happen?

Relationships aren’t just about love. They’re about capacity.


When both people are doing their healing work — capacity grows.

When only one person holds the weight? That’s not sustainable.

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